MALAYSIA, Tues. - As the haze condition worsens in many parts of the nation, the news of the failure of a barrage of memorandums sent in to the Indonesian Embassy by various communal-based political parties are driving some citizens up the wall.

One such person was 56-year old Razak Razak, who said when met today: “I couldn’t understand it – all this time memorandums had always been a miracle answer to our every problem, including dirty public toilets, poverty, civil war and random migraines!

“But now, I feel like the world is falling apart – political memorandums have lost their magic!”

Razak had, this morning, been lifted to safety by firemen from the top of a 50 feet wall he had climbed onto out of spontaneous frustration.

In Taiping, Perak, some students were voicing their concerns about the effects of the haze on their daily lives.

“Visibility just keeps getting worse day by day,” said an anxious Abdullah Abdullah. “Usually, the monkeys from the nearby forest would intrude our school compounds and make a mess in the laboratories every single day. This is almost like a celebrated tradition in our school.

“But ever since last week, there has been a spate of attacks with similar modus operandi in the library, the cafeteria, the guard house and even the toilets, while the laboratories were left untouched.

“Our wardens suspect that the monkeys can no longer distinguish one room from another as a result of the haze.”

“The monkeys are not the only ones affected,” added his friend, Siti Siti, whose deep gash on the forehead was none too successfully hidden by inch-thick bandages wrapped around her headscarf.

“Students have been bumping into walls, pillars, windows, cars, and even into each other ever since the significant reduction in visibility caused by the haze. The sick bay would have been full to bursting with these students if only most of them could find their way there in this thick haze in the first place!”

Their teachers, however, had graver concerns for the students, with the dates for this year’s SPM examinations approaching ever nearer.

According to one teacher, who prefers to remain anonymous, “We’re just worried that if the haze gets worse than this, the students won’t be able to even see – what more read – their question papers in the examination halls.”

Seeing the ever increasing severity of the situation, local NGOs are choosing to take matters into their own hands.

“We have no choice. Unless we ourselves take action, all of us are going to die of lung cancer, conservatism and related diseases in approximately two weeks,” said a spokesperson for the radical activist group, Sisters in Suffocation (SIS), who declined to be named, when met yesterday at the beginning of a politically motivated rally in Subang Jaya.

Shouting passionate slogans like “Make cakes, not haze!” they staged a mostly peaceful demonstration, punctuated occasionally by violent, retching mock coughs by the demonstrators to emphasize the dangers of air pollution.

The group, notorious for their controversial opinions on the right to life of the SARS virus during its outbreak in 2002, shocked the nation yesterday when they announced that they would unconditionally boycott all romantic Indonesian films as a form of diplomatic protest.

“According to our research, there is a direct correlation in the increase of haze severity in recent years with the rise in the quality of romantic films from the country,” said the president of the group, who also declined to be named, as she stomped angrily on a cardboard piece drawn with the cartoon of a random Indonesian forest burner.

“So, naturally, we feel that this is the best decision that can be made, and thus humbly encourage all Malaysians to emulate our wise choice – or else.”

A different scenario was, however, observed in Johor Bahru, where members of the secular fundamentalist organization, Al-Gubra, resorted to burning thousands of effigies of Israeli politicians along a two kilometers stretch of Lido Beach.

Members, each dressed in a beekeeper’s outfit, fanned the resultant smoke away from the beach using large, ornamental fans.

“Because of time constraints, we’ve decided to merge our annual anti-Israeli effigy burning event with this spontaneously inspired and politically cunning solution to the haze problem,” said an organization representative, Mahmud Mahmud. “And it has been an excellent decision indeed.”

When asked about the objective of their act of further air pollution, he replied, “We’re trying to send some amount of haze southwards to Indonesia. The idea is to push Indonesian authorities into action when they realize that some of us are willing to fight the haze with even more haze.”

When one of our reporters pointed out the physical and geographical impossibilities of the venture, Mahmud looked flabbergasted. “We should at least try, shouldn’t we? Because if this doesn’t work, then I honestly can’t imagine what will.”

More memorandums, maybe?

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For the record, I know the purpose of those memorandums and do not have a personal beef with the practice. This post is entirely satirical - ie fake news - and does not contain a drop of truth, except in very vague references (memorandums were sent, though). For reliable news on the current haze situation, click here. The pictures are for real though, taken from my "condominum" unit.